i can't tell if i'm hungry or not
i think a glass of wine will suffice

my mind is racing with plenty of things i'd rather not say

i'm wondering about star-crossed lovers
neglect, and martyrdom.

Hunger, wet hot summers, and high waisted pants that give you seventies-ass.

23 and 24
after having all the focus i've had for years
all i feel now is nothingness
the unknown
and floating

still focused but on open-ended... abyss
one that is affected by a significant other and a tale of two cities

cities that refuse to meet halfway.

the lover in me wants out
out of time out of body out of mind
has grown a disdain for the status quo
wants to be born again

my body, my heart, my mind is heavy

but light

light always at theend and around and in and and out of every tunnel

do not tempt me with charms of the night
and unexpected cool breezes at the hottest point of evening
laughter and intensity of gaze
long conversations and pear flavored cider.

Tags: random
Current Mood: pensive

after years of feeling so incredibly out of whack when it comes to writing
i feel the urge so strongly i can't even think straight.

i don't know if it's loneliness
or boredom.

but i'm happy to feel and would prefer to be frustrated with an imagination with the "mute" turned on than not having any sort of vision at all.



.....

and in this vision
this blue tinted, soft-lined
smokey haze that taunts
i hear only the softness of music from the jazz club in the distance
the moisture in the air right after 2am
and the heat from the previous day's sun rising still from the street

i never understand how it is that i can be on all night
dancing like wild fire until the sun comes up
in 3-inch heels and not even feel a thing until i stop

barefoot and high from the night
my heart beats steady but hard
waiting.

i walk a normal pace
but slow enough with hopes that you'll find me
and want to catch up.

there's a humid breeze
and i stop in my tracks to enjoy the sweetness of this summer night
my favorite season
electricity and anticipation always in the air coupled with the laziness inspired by the heat.

the breeze kisses my bare shoulders and then you.
your heat behind me sends a deep but fast fire through my body
i turn around
and am met with a smirk and
hungry eyes.

i tried to call you but you didn't answer
i'm assuming you went to bed early
or maybe you were downstairs finishing up your laundry
either way, now it's too late

i hate that you have to get up at an ungodly hour in the morning so you can get to work at 8.
i hate that i can't talk to you all night long and be
terribly tired the next morning
but blissful about all the sweet nothings that were said
when the birds started to chirp the morning of...

i toss and turn at night because
because there's no warmth
absolutely none.

it's an amazingly drastic change
to now understand how long it takes to warm only the parts of the bed you touch
by yourself at night
and how you don't want to move because the rest of the bed is sooo cold.
all i've got is me
and thoughts of you
behind my eyelids.

and it won't be enough.
it's almost been two months.
when i see you again my heart will ache that much more as i leave

this is the weirdest thing
one of the hardest things
but more weird
trying to navigate and figure out how to stay in synch
without your touch
your facial expressions to match your voice
your gestures
your body language

i miss you.
don't yell at me when all i can think of are sex-related things while you're trying to get you life together. :)

-evi

Tags: derrick

there are a lot of things
pushing and pulling and bending
i haven't snapped yet
and i don't think i will
and maybe i'll slow down when i've deemed it appropriate but when
is it every appropriate to not go as high as you can go
beyond whatever it is you can reach now?

i almost wish that he didn't say "let's just have a blank slate"
because i feel like all of the baggage of the past makes you, makes us
what we are today
and you should love all the pain and all the joy that goes along with it
because we know, and have known that it's worth it

let's grow and change together always and not
get stifled by the grudges?
what's the point?
how are we supposed to move forward with stuff that happened a year or two ago?
years!
years.

it's dealt with and then it should be done.
i don't want all the insecurities
and the immaturity
i don't want any of it, because it's just drama
all of the fear
for nothing
and from nothing.

i told him about the craigslist thing and it was like
the rug had been pulled out from under him
and i didn't expect it to be that at all.
shocked that he couldn't even bare to be in the same room with me
after i let him know that i had found out and i knew

i knew that it wasn't anything to be worried about
but he was presented with evidence of his doublestandard.
i don't know what to do about that.
can it still be a blank slate if i mention that?
can we still have rules in reference to that?
i think so.

throughout it all i've been more hurt than anything
but the issue is that we're both feeling hurt by similar things
and those things are feeding off of eachother
and creating an awful cycle.
so why is it so hard to just realize that and move forward? i don't see what the hold up is.
i really don't.
you love someone, you've put all of yourself into them
through all kinds of shit
and you're just going to let the cycle continue?
why and for what?

you can't let your pride take hold of something like this and be completely lazy about it
you just can't.

at the very least
he feels like he was listened to in this instance
as if i never heard him or understood him before

i'm not your typical girl that throws herself at anyone and anything
and if i was, i need a lot more attention involved in the pre-pre-pre sex
because that is sex to me. all of it.

and we can't sit here and argue about me not lusting after you
or you feeling like we're robots at this point because of what life has thrown at us
because of exactly that.

it's all a learning thing, and i'm only 23.
i have people twice my age trying to make me feel small on a regular basis.
i've been raped, and not just by one person, but also in a different way by an ex.
my voice has been taken from me in more ways than one.
and it takes a lot now
it's not the same

but for the first time
i've been able to let go and let flow
like really do it
and even though i miss him
terribly
it aches...
and i've been kind of losing sleep
emotionally i feel a little more calm.


i dunno.
i'm fucking tired.
and my eyes. hurt.

split.
right down the middle
or
the left side of the middle

young against old
hot against the fold
sexy against stiff, haggard, lazy, done!


it's been done.
but you can't stop, your lame, finished game.

get it together can't possibly be only *my* mantra
it drives me insane to think
striving forward and constantly motivated by all the tired-ass-ness around me
is just me....

i can't be the only one.
but i am.
i am the only one.

i'll push and push and push and push
until something beautiful emerges from these cold, damp trenches.

you couldn't stop me then
and as i look down at you
i know
i really know
you can't stop me now.

Tags: argh

i'm going to miami next week.
m.i.a.m.i.

more later.

Tags: miami

I came up with this idea for a new position. A really good, bringing-in-lots-of-revenue-and-hitting-on-almost-all-points-of-the-strategic-plan type position.

My boss is definitely not one to take risks even if that risk is pretty much a life raft for the organization. And there are details, juicy, gossipy, interesting details, but it's late.

I find out this week if I got the job at Hosea Feed the Hungry which pays about 10k more than I'm making right now and is close to being an assistant director of the program. Chief Logistics Manager. wow..that's sounds even better than assistant director, right?

My best friend, April, has moved to Chicago for grad school. And while most of our relationship has been online and on the phone, it's crazy that we're not going to make plans to meet up for coffee once a month. This time, we're a long distance relationship for real. I'm super happy for her and it's really exciting. My other friend Charlie Brown has moved to New York to start his life as a lawyer.

And with Derrick, who's been so incredibly frustrated over the job market in Atlanta wanting to get out of this town as soon as he can, I'm getting a little antsy myself.

I haven't traveled, like really traveled in almost four years. I've been to New Orleans twice, once to volunteer and the second time for two days for a wedding. It's not the same. I want to be somewhere else, and actually enjoy myself....on holiday.

I have plenty of vacation time and no way to take it. I guess I'll be getting paid for that when I leave...assuming I have this position.
I find out this week...this week. When I find out, I don't know what I'm goingto do to celebrate...or to be depressed. heh.

Anyway, my wanderlust is catching up.
Other things catching up include
1. Camron being a total douchebag, but beyond the level of douchebaggery and more along the lines of complete idiot.
2. Me feeling ridiculous for (for no reason) still having Andy D's number.
3. Scott's fagucational cocksuckery
4. and the fact that I still feel like I just moved into my apartment a month ago.

I'm fine, but I'm in limbo.
I just want to know and do
...so I can think and feel again.

-e

Tags: blah
Current Mood: sleepy
Current Music: "starting over" = ashton allen

the worst part about this journal is that every time i go to post, i always think about the fact that i haven't written and haven't been able to write.

like i've said before, fuck it. let's do this.

my mind has been racing. so incredibly restless these days.

over the past few weeks i've gone above and beyond at work...only one aspect of my life.
i guess the part that takes up most of my time.
i'm only 22. i feel so much like i'm missing out on life.
not like i need to be going out every night or anything like that, but the people in my life, i want to see more of them.

i want more time with my friends, more time with my family.
gas prices/distance have gotten in the way, but i really want to keep up the effort.
i mean, i don't even have pictures up of me and derrick in our home...
my home feels like home in that it's the place i frequent, but it's not mine...yet.

and i have all these ideas..and all this inspiration around me that i want to tap into and mold and make something of, and i just let it sit.
it's so heavy
heavy, thinking about all the things i don't engage in.

i have enough energy somewhere to be able to live my life...and i'm living it...just not to the fullest

the days go by so quickly and june, wasn't even here
and another weekend has come and gone.
all i have to show for this one are better storage containers for stuff in the kitchen, and clean and shiny walls behind Sasha's crate area.

lol

that's so sad.

i'm in a peaceful, welcoming mood right now.
all of the bullshit of the world, couldn't touch me right now.
i want so much to be outside of that, i guess in the way that you are when you're a teen...?

i'm still idealistic and i'll always have hope, i just know that i'll never look at the world in the same way i did when i was younger. it's weird to know that you'll never feel the same again, not because of one thing that happened, but simply because of time
with time comes lots of things, lots of events, lots of people, and lots of emotions you never even thought you could feel...see, do, meet.

but i'm okay with that.

so far, the biggest challenge of adulthood has been keeping a strong hold on everything that makes perfect sense about youth-hood.

simplicity has to complement complications
unnecessary, ridiculous onion layers of complications.

you have to find energy when everything around you just sucks and sucks and sucks.
even the freaking fluorescent lightbulbs above you all day long, suck your life.

i've got this feeling, right now at one in the morning
that i can tackle those things.
that i can take pain, injustice, greed, mean-ness, and insecurities all at once and make something better.

i don't even know what i want to do anymore...exactly how i'm going to go about channeling my strengths...
what i do know, is that even though i talk badly about twentysomethings through thirtysomethings that majored in marketing or business that solely live for the weekend and couldn't even tell you generally what "non-profit" entails, i couldn't have more gladness in my heart than the other night when not one, but three slightly drunken young professionals insisted repeatedly that i get in touch with them about the work that Nicholas House is doing and how they can get involved.

whatever, it's a start.

--evi

Tags: clarity, work

so the past two weeks have really forced me to engage in the kind of reflection that makes you want to immediately pack your bags and move to a new city, or do something daring like create a new job and department for you organization.

what am i thinking? do 22 year olds really do stuff like this? i don't care.

my boss, i've decided, is the type (and of the generation) that doesn't do so well with things like "power relations" and/or "open mindedness" when it comes to anything that doesn't come from him, or from someone half his age, or young people in general. it also doesn't help that i'm super competent in just about every single area and more.

i'm doing about two and a half different jobs right now, and while that's all good for resume padding, right now it's not working out so much for my wallet.

so i've got a plan and not only would someone be a complete idiot not to do it, if it doesn't get accepted and if i don't get a decent raise (to make sure that i don't teeter on the edge like the families that we serve at this organization) for the work that i'm doing, i will be moving on.

moving on.

and it feels weird to do so with my super loyal personality and just everything that i've put into this organization that i love so much, but i will not stand by and have someone suck the life out of me and all of my talent only to be struggling...and struggling.

so it feels good, to say that and mean it. it feels good to know that i'm capable of achieving great things in the future. and it also feels good to reflect back on my OU experiences and know that i made the right choice....

i'm at the point right now where i could scream, laugh, and cry.

i want something, i don't know what that something is, but i'm exhausted and energetic and restless and arghh all at once. and i don't know what to do with this energy but i've gotta do something.

i ran an eight minute mile the other day.
and you know what? after leaving work consistently, two hours after the time i was actually supposed to leave, i'm getting my ass out of here right now, no later than 6:15.

peace.

Tags: work

chocolate of course...
but also Mediterranean food...red wine, everything's covered in olive oil..richness and sweetness...but still light at the same time. perfect.

Tags: food, writer's block